Home

Advertisement

eh

  • Oct. 16th, 2009 at 10:07 PM
lucy
I feel so drained ... I don't know how I can continue on this way.  I need to figure something out.  Every day I awake more tired than the one before, and I can feel a slow and steady drainage of the little energy I have left, most of which is mental and not physical.  I'm so tired that it's sucking even my emotions dry.  I don't know if it's just the side effects of the meds, or a health problem, or stress - or just sheer tiredness - but I reallllly cannot remember ever being as tired as I have been this semester, except MAYBE when I was dancing everyday, but even then I managed to wake up on time and get things done.  Now ... I can't even do that.
goodnight.

return to innocence

  • Sep. 12th, 2009 at 5:51 PM
la belle
 
Well, I spent about half hour reading up on women's health issues, and (of course) stumbled across a lot of stories from VERY young girls who lost  their virginity at age 14, 15, 16, etc.  All I have to say is, after reading their stories, I am soooo happy I am still a virgin.   I mean, sex is such a close, spiritual thing (or, at least, it should be), and people treat it as though it were not.  Sex is pleasurable because it HAS to be - otherwise, who would want to do it and make children?  It was not designed for humans to partake in as if it were a free-for-all.  And I don't feel superior for being a virgin, but I do feel relieved that I didn't make a mistake earlier in life.  I don't have to worry about STDs, pregnancy, or embarassing moments.  I think sex should be reserved for procreation and marriage, and although I really don't care who does it anymore, that is how it works in my life, and I'm proud of that. 

I feel a lot more open lately with such issues, because I've realised that society has made women feel disgusting; when, in fact, being female is a very beautiful arrangement. ;)  And I'm content at where I am.

That's all.  Sorry for the TMI.  I'll stop now.

-me

Tags:

find me on blogspot

  • Sep. 12th, 2009 at 12:36 AM
dance and sensuality ...

I had one a long time ago, but never was able to log in twice - so, I set up a new one.

Visit me there to find my latest findings and musings on witchcraft and religion.  http://lilylasorciere.blogspot.com/ -- there isn't much up yet, but there will be!  As I perfect my French, I'd like to begin posting entries in English and French, but be patient with that!

Samantha's new blog inspired me to do something that will inspire someone other than myself! :P

Other than that, not much else is new.  I had a lovely day today with Tati, Suha, Sandra, Connie, and Michael --- and tomorrow promises to be busy, with bank stops (more account troubles), doctor appointment, making more doctor appointments, filling out FAFSA, housework, and HOMEWORK.

Meanwhile, I miss Mike like mad, and am feeling incredibly lonely. 

Cecile Corbel est BELLE!
  • Mood: lonely
  • Music:cecile corbel

laughing with god

  • Sep. 5th, 2009 at 1:10 AM
john william waterhouse "soul of the ros
Oh, what a week.  Some happiness, some comfort, some beauty - some disapointment and sadness, too.  Loneliness for no good reason right now.  I'm too damn sensitive.  I think I need to sleep. 

Sliced my finger open tonight.  Ouch!  It's all bandaged up. :P  No guitar playing for me for a while.  It's right where it would press the fret. :(

Tonight with my friends in Royal Oak was a lovely time, but my legs hurt from walking in my boots.  The alcohol from my margarita, combined with the asprin I took for my legs, made my finger bleed extra hard.  hehe

I don't know ... just rambles.  I need to sleep.  I need to sleeeeeeeep. 

Right now, not much sounds better than crawling under the covers, with my hot water bottle, extra pillow, teddy bear, and Mozart.  Except if Mike was there, it would be better.  :(  Damn not having a car.

I can't describe my mood.  Tomorrow I will be prunning the hedges, doing a nice load or two of laundry, maybe take a walk.  Work on writing.  Homework.  Who knows what else?

I didn't know Chopin died so young, nor that he fought so hard for justice.  What a beautiful man.  I always knew he was a GENIUS beyond words, but I didn't know he was so beautiful.  And pisces, of course. :)

Lately I've been getting really pissed off when people talk against religion or classical music.  I realise those two things don't correlate, exactly, but it seems it's the same people who do it.  Like, people who don't like religion seem to also scorn the great composers.  Well!  I don't know.  But that's how it seems.  I'm sorry, but I think talking against someone's religion is just as bad as talking against someone's race.  And classical music is why all other music exists, so have some respect.

MAN, I really need to go to bed.  It's just been too much bustle in one week.  <3

goodnight
  • Mood: cranky
  • Music:regina spektor

Writer's Block: Tips for a Beautiful Body

  • Aug. 24th, 2009 at 5:04 AM
la belle
I have come to realise that the only tip for a body you'll truly love is to LOVE your body, no matter what.  It does amazing things every day - allows you to walk, run, dance, hug, garden, bend, sleep, shower, swim, caress, stretch, give birth ... endless things that OUR BODIES do, when we're lucky enough to have one in full working order.  So, I loved this tip from the book "The Body Sacred" - make a list of all your most meaningful life experiences, and correlate the role your body played in each one.  Why waste time hating what God gave us?  Loving, or at least RESPECTING, our bodies is the tip to having a beautiful one - because YOU are the one who should think it's beautiful, who cares what anyone else thinks?! <3

Tags:

Writer's Block: Investigations of a Female Nature

  • Jul. 20th, 2009 at 7:52 AM
john william waterhouse "soul of the ros

Who is your favorite lady detective from movies, books, or TV?


View 506 Answers

NANCY DREW (of course)
and
MARION HALCOMBE from "The Woman in White"

Both are outstanding examples of strong, brave women, originated in times when women were thought of as the weaker sex.  So, I've admired them both for years.  They've set an example for me, although it's often difficult to follow!   
  • Mood: exhausted

Tags:

a little R.E.S.P.E.C.T.

  • Jul. 2nd, 2009 at 10:07 PM
john william waterhouse "soul of the ros

I want to make a genuine effort to fully embrace PEOPLE. 

I think the reason so many people are unhappy is because people tend to degrade each other. 

We disrespect each other to the point where we truly hate our own species.  And, eventually, that hatred is turned onto OUR OWN BEING.  And, when we hate ourselves, we tend to hate God, as well. 

By harming our species, we harm ourselves.  How can we not?  It comes with the territory!  The less I judge others, the less I judge myself.  I've been experimenting.  For example,  I've been trying to understand the freedom of not having body restraints.  YES, I feel comfortable in my own skin, finally.  Sure, I'd love more muscles, and less hippiness, but overall, I feel good in my body.  Why?  Because I began to slowly see that the happiest people I knew were the ones who weighed more than my ideal.  The girls who looked like magazine bodies, like lithe ballerinas, were constantly striving for the perfect beauty, turning down good food, calling themselves undesirable, changing clothes 50 times a day, running 10 miles, accenting, accenting, accenting.  They were not happy.  And that is why, when I look at anorexic girls now, I feel a sense of exhaustion creep into my bones.  All I can see beneath their skin is years of unhappiness and endless, unfruitful work.  They will never be fulfilled.  I was like that for a long time.  So, now it's nice to be free of it.   Anyway, my new goal is to stop judging anorexic girls, since I do understand that pain; and, although I have grown apathetic towards them, we as humans should never be apathetic to anyone - least of all to those who have shared our trials. 

We've all spoken behind someone's back, or giggled at a poor fashion choice, or down-talked a total stranger.  We've all given rude looks, received rude looks, and gossiped.  We're only human.  Or ... is that really an excuse?  I am starting to think that NO, it is NOT an excuse.  Sometimes when I talk to someone, or look at a stranger, I think I know their existence.  I think that they could dress better, or act nicer, or raise their children differently - whatever.  Do I have the right to do that?  I don't. 

When a person (for example, a salesclerk) is rude, we tend to be rude back.  So, instead of one rude person and one friendly person, that little corner of the world now contains two rude and injured people, hurting each other deeper and deeper, until both secretly declare a hatred for all humanity.  Is this what the world needs?  Sometimes I fall into that trap, if someone is exceptionally rude or slow, I get offended and act less polite than I normally would.  What I would like to do, and have been trying to do, is be EXTRA nice to those people, as nice behavior in response to negative behavior confuses people.  Often it makes them nicer, too!  Who would have guessed!  Now, the exception is when someone KNOWS that you will always be nice, so they take advantage and treat you poorly.  This was the case when I worked you-know-where.  So one day I decided to fight back, and things were easier from then on.  So, you have to judge who you're dealing with and what works best.  Being nice is usually the best way, though. 

Have you ever had a day where everything is going beautifully, you're feeling fine, and then you come across some rude person, maybe a road-rager with his middle finger pointed in your direction.  Maybe an angry shopper who ran into you with her cart.  Or a grumpy cop giving out parking tickets.  We tend to let these people RUIN OUR ENTIRE DAY!  Imagine that!  If it wasn't normal, we would laugh.  "You let five bad minutes ruin your whole day?  You must be crazy!"  Doesn't it sound ridiculous?  Yet that's what happens.  I'd like to work on that, as well. 

Overall, what I'm trying to say, is that I really, truly, genuinely LOVE people.  I know there are horrible people out there - many of them.  But I'm not going to let the bad ones give the good ones a bad rap.   We're not all bad.  And if we treat each other with love and kindness, with DEEP AND UNCONDITIONAL FORGIVENESS, then maybe the good people would start to outshine the bad. 



<3

Tags:

Animism

  • Jun. 27th, 2009 at 1:00 PM
john william waterhouse "soul of the ros
Everyday, I am gently reminded more and more of the wonder, the fervor, the verve of being alive.  Everyone thinks I'm so damn quite and meek, but if they could see inside me ... I feel like a flower bud spiraling open, fully immersed in the shock and passion of life.  Does that sound ridiculous?  It's not.  Every ounce of life on this earth is precious, and as all matter has energy, everything around us is alive - the trees, the sidewalk, the books we read - everything!  Carbon and energy: we all share soul materials.  To degrade any part of this world is to degrade your own self.  None of us are alone, we are all ONE.
  • Mood: mellow

This world is only gonna break your heart

  • Jun. 13th, 2009 at 3:29 AM
perfume rose

You know how sometimes you can listen to a song for years, without ever really knowing what it's about?  With my "mystery song," I didn't even know the title or artist!  I tried for years to discover this song's information, but all I had to go by was one line, and a "Friends" episode.  Then, one evening a few years ago, it was playing at Borders, and I FINALLY found out: Wicked Games, by Chris Issak.  Now, throughout the years, this song has meant different things to me, but tonight was the first time I actually read the full lyrics.  I must say, some parts remind me of happy love, but overall it's a tragic song.  So, to be a complete nerd, it also reminds me (of course) of Snape and Lily.  Listen to it on Youtube or playlist.com.  Here it is (with highlights on MY own favorite lines, that resonate deeply within me, for a variety of reasons):

The world was on fire - no one could save me but you 
Strange what desire will make foolish people do 
I never dreamed that I'd meet somebody like you 
I never dreamed that I'd loose somebody like you 
 No, I don't wanna fall in love 

(this world is only gonna break your heart) 
No, I don't wanna fall in love
 (this world is only gonna break your heart) 
With you 
 What a wicked game to play to make me feel this way 
What a wicked thing to do
to let me dream of you 
What a wicked thing to say you never felt this way 
What a wicked thing to do 
to make me dream of you 
And I wanna fall in love
 (this world is only gonna break your heart) 
yeah I wanna fall in love
 (this world is only gonna break your heart) 
With you 
 The world was on fire - no one could save me but you 
Strange what desire will make foolish people do 
I never dreamed that I'd love somebody like you 
I never dreamed that I'd loose somebody like you 
 No, I don't wanna fall in love 
(this world is only gonna break your heart) 
No, I don't wanna fall in love 
(this world is only gonna break your heart) 
With you

Tags:

10,000 sorrows and 10,000 joys

  • Jun. 2nd, 2009 at 9:01 PM
perfume intoxication

Alive ... for me, that's always been the most beautiful word in the English language.  It is the gift we all share; it hints at responsibility, and strength, and wellness, and wholeness; it is health and promise and hope.  It is a babe in the cradle and old woman in the rocker.  It is a budding flower.  A hatching egg.  A new season.  SURVIVAL.  It is the first breath of an infant, and the last breath of a dying man.  All in one word!  To be ALIVE ... is everything. 

Because if there is no "after," which there may not be, what the hell are we doing wasting this precious time? 

I think that, too often, we forget that this is all we have.  We're here for at most 100 years, average maybe 75 years, and often far, far less than that.  So why regret Anything?  Why waste what is ours for such a brief time?  Why suicide, when the end is catching up to us every minute that we breathe?  Why grieve, when our time here is so limited?  Why not joy?  Utter joy, peace - and love. 

If we cannot find it, we must create it.  "Where there is life, there is hope," someone once said.
It's easier to be unhappy, and to suffer, and to waste time.  It's far more difficult to find true, real happiness, and weave a world of dreams into any nightmare that comes our way. 

Sometimes I envy people who want to die, because wanting to stay alive is much harder than dying!  And I want it with every fiber in my body.  If I wanted to die, I could do it.  It's not difficult.  But I want to LIVE!  And THAT is something never promised, and something totally beyond our control.  Which scares the living daylights out of me on a daily basis. 

Today I read family remembrances of the victims of that plane crash in France.  228 dead.  And I put myself in that place, in being one of the victims, of being faced with the fate of NEVER living again.  One flash, and it could all be over.  An 11 year old boy died.  A 26 year old girl, whose father thought was on a different plane.  A geologist couple who went to dig rocks and rest.  A student on transfer.  And oh-so-many others.  GONE.  Never to live again.  What use it it to live in memory?  They aren't here anymore to exist with us.  And who knows how long We will even be here?  I hope a long time.  I hope as long as humanly possible to remain alive.  But we don't know, so we have to savor every moment.

Perhaps that's why God didn't give us an answer-key to life and death.  Not knowing rather forces us to live every moment.  I hope to have many moments ... and years. <3  

I think I'm really scared because my life has fallen into place lately: my mental issues are under control without meds (first time in 5 years!), I've accepted my body, my family is healthy, I have Walt Whitman as a guide, and a beautiful boy in my life and heart.  So, because everything is so good, it could all go so bad!  But I pray it will not.  

Peace.  And LIVE! 

ps - "I LOVE LUCY" solves every problem known to man. :P

Tags:

tujours ....

  • May. 21st, 2009 at 2:28 AM
perfume rose

Today was lovely - finally, yesterday and today i've been feeling a little better.  But I don't know if I want to, necessarily - it's good to mourn.  I mean, no one wants to HAVE to, but given the circumstances, it's necessary.  It's HEALING.  But every night now, before I sleep, I write down a couple memories of Jeff, and so eventually I'll have a nice long list (its already 3 pages!) and hopefully have recorded everything possible I can remember.  It's memories that shape us, after all.  They are what we experienced.  Why forget the good ones?  And especially the great ones?

I'm soooo happy Tetyana had a nice birthday!  She deserves it.  It was a beautiful day, with just the 5 of us girls, and Mike.  How can you be sad, surrounded by so much loveliness?  And tonight - Harry Potter: the Musical. :P lol  Tetyana has been a help with coffee and poetry days. :D And Vikki made me laugh so much tonight with her imitation of Bellatrix singing a love song to you-know-who. :P

And Mike is keeping me above the water.  <3

Really, there's everything to be satisfied and content with, and very little to complain about.  Nevertheless, there's plenty to fear!:

Plaisir d'amour
n'e dure qu'on moment
mais chagrin d'amour dure toute la vie!
  • Mood: drained

notes from the library

  • May. 17th, 2009 at 2:46 PM
john william waterhouse "soul of the ros
I found this poem today in Tetyana's poetry book, and I think it's wonderfully bittersweet.  It's one of those poems that'll make me cry when I'm "old and gray," reading in front of the fire.

By Grace E. Easley:

Tell me again of days gone by
help me recall the sounds and songs;
what matter if we can't return
back to the place where the heart belongs!

Waste not your sighs on years grown old
weep not for faces of the past;
speak not again of long lost dreams
and sands of time that flow too fast!

Within the power of all men
the vision of a shining hour
in every memory there clings
the sweetness of a faded flower!

And what the heart has loved the most
can never be mislaid or lost!
  • Location:local library
  • Mood: content and quixotic
  • Music:people's voices talking

flights of angels

  • May. 15th, 2009 at 1:15 AM
john william waterhouse "soul of the ros

When I get to heaven, if there is such a place, I'm going to have a lot of questions to ask.

Everyone knows that one of my biggest inspirations has been the beautiful, amazing, kind, angelic Jeff Fazio ~ my English teacher my first year of college.  Well, I learned today that he passed away.  For me this was completely unexpected, and one of the worst pieces of news I could have possibly received.  I can never explain the effect this man had on my life in the last few years.  His presense in my life has made it better and sweeter, just knowing there are people out there so wonderful. 

When I think of all the terrible people living it up, I just can't imagine WHY God would want to take away the most pure, lovely soul. 

He told me a story once about his childhood in Guam, where he lived on an army base.  He found a ball in the woods and was throwing it around, playing like any kid does - then his dad looked at it and saw it was a live bomb!  haha, he told such lovely stories. 

I was just thinking about him this morning, about how long it must have been since he's walked, but now I know that IF there is a heaven, he is walking and flying and being free in a way he never could on earth.  Life handed him some very unfair trials, but he might them all with grace and dignity.  He should serve as an inspiration to us all. 

I really loved/love you, Jeff.  I know you earned your wings before you even entered heaven.  <3  I'm so glad I could see you one last time, and carry the memory of your beauty with me forever.  Until next time ... *
  • Mood: shocked and sad

come back and haunt me ...

  • May. 9th, 2009 at 2:34 AM
mesmer (alan rickman)
... oh, take me back to the start.

Sometimes I wonder how anyone can live their life without feeling an overflowing abundance of love.  So much love that you don't know what to do with it - every kind of love: famlilial, friendly, romantic, passionate, maternal, humanity ... and on and on.  Love for EVERYTHING of life.  So much love that you can actually physcially feel it.  Love that flows out of the eyes, the ears, the hands, the heart, the bones, the skin, the mouth.  Love that flows out of the soul.  Love within reach, love out of reach.  Requited and unrequited love.  Joyful and sorrowful love (often one and the same!)  Spiritual love, physical love.  Oh, so much LOVE!!  Can you feel it ...?

Tags:

you have such oceans within

  • Apr. 29th, 2009 at 2:57 PM
maidens ... waterhouse

Is there really such depth inside us humans?  I wonder ... if we were to strip our minds and lay all the contents bare before us - what would we find?  Anything very special or new?  Anything we had not known before?  I don't know the answer, nor do I have my own idea about it.  I'm just wondering: how much can one person hold?  I think that, when it comes down to it, our "oceans within" are not so very deep.  I know my own soul and mind, and i can tell you this: I have a lot to feel, think, and say, but not so much as the worlds has to say, or the universe, or God. 
  • Location:school
  • Mood: cheerful

"if you want everything ...

  • Apr. 20th, 2009 at 4:41 AM
mesmer (alan rickman)
... give everything up"
 ~ in the deep, Bird York

I really would rather sleep in tomorrow, but despite the lack of sleep I'll have, I am looking forward to school ~ to Iverson and Duprey, not my last class! 

I really feel like I'm learning more and more how simple life really can be.  Perhaps not IS, but can be.  I am so tired of so much: tired of the artificial, of drama, of confusion, of mixed priorities.  But I think I'm gathering up what's best for my own self, even if some of it is rather impossible. 

Spent a beautiful weekend with Mike; felt happy and safe and full of life's simplicity.  And "Secret" is gorgeous and inspiring.  But now I'm a little lonely.  haha

Right now I would love coffee, or cool water, or something.   But I have to go to bed!  I don't want to!  I read part one of The Wind-Up Bird Chronicles, which is good ~ very slow-moving, but good.  Also started (finally!) Forests of the Heart, which, so far, is amazing!  Also reading Picture of Dorian Gray and just finished And Then There Were None.  Anyone else read these?  Vikki? :P

So, here's the question of the week: do you love yourself?  I love myself.  Not in a vain way: I don't think I'm beautiful, but I love myself.  Do you love yourself?  Can life be happy if there is not a love of self?  Are we so superficial that we cannot see self-love without thinking of external beauty? Hmmmm?! 

Today, love your life ... please ... embody the joy you wish to experience. 

now I'm out there, swimming

  • Apr. 14th, 2009 at 7:42 PM
perfume rose
This song reminds me of many things at once ... falling in love.  Being in love.  Losing a love.  Finding balance.  Overcoming a death. Searching for truth.  Forging a relationship.  Feeling overwhelmed.  Feeling underwhelmed.  everything I feel when I'm dancing.  Dancing. 

Bird York's "In the deep" Oscar-winning  song from Crash:

Thought you had
all the answers
to rest your heart upon.
But something happens,
don't see it coming, now
you can't stop yourself.
Now you're out there swimming...
In the deep.
In the deep.

Life keeps tumbling your heart in circles
till you... Let go.
Till you shed your pride, and you climb to heaven,
and you throw yourself off.
Now you're out there spinning...
In the deep.

And now you're out there spinning...
And now you're out there spinning...
In the deep.

In the silence,
all your secrets, will
raise their worried heads.
Well, you can pin yourself back together,
to who you thought you were.
Now you're out there livin'...
In the deep.

In the deep...

Now you're out there spinning...
Now you're out there swimming...
Now you're out there spinning...

In the deep.
In the deep.

if you want everything
give everything up.

letting go ...

  • Apr. 13th, 2009 at 2:20 PM
perfume intoxication

... of nothing, because I can never let go!

In pain today, and sick.  All I would like right now is ... to sleep.  To dream.  "To sleep perchance to dream."  Ah, really, what I would like is to not be tired, and to make tea and read. 

What I would like is for the ants to go away and discover the great outdoors.  It's more fun out there than in my house, anyway. 

What I would like is for my heart to be calm and my soul to stop shivering, wild butterflies with nowhere to fly.  Ah, well.  Those wings are fragile, and nothing beautiful can last very long.

If I revealed all of my memory and emotion, it would either be a great beautiful masterwork, or some emo dribble that no one but my truest friends would ever take seriously. haha

<3 "for everything that lives is holy,life delights in life!"
-uncle walt (?)

"How can I have enough
of life?
of love?"

Wise Old Owls

  • Mar. 5th, 2009 at 2:34 AM
perfume rose

Happy Birthday to Vikki!!  March 4th

Happy Birthday to Me!!  March 5th

Happy Birthday to Vanessa!! March 6th

Happy Birthday to Richard!!  March 8th

Tags:

paint my life in watercolor

  • Mar. 4th, 2009 at 3:11 PM
john william waterhouse "soul of the ros

Alright, my loves, I am very proud of myself!  I'm working on a watercolor of "Perfume," working off the cover to the DVD (see my icon - it's that).  I want it to be nice, so I'm taking all the right steps and am actually being patient for once! 

Last night I soaked my watercolor paper, stretched it out, taped it to a bread-board, and waited a whole 3 hours for it to dry!  My first time stretching paper; it turned out all lovely, smooth, and flat.  I need my own bread-board, though. 

Then I removed the paper, cut the tape edges, and sketched the girl's profile and body.  So far, so good.  It took several tries to get her all nice and in proportion.   This morning before my 9:30 class, I sketched in most  of the rose petals - the hardest part will be painting those lovelies, I'm sure.  There's so many, each with their own individual highlights and details.

Now I'm about to cover the body, petals, and light-areas with masking fluid.  After that dries, I'll layer in the first wash, and then erase the fluid after the wash dries.  After that, I have to re-cover the petals with masking fluid, and begin painting the body.  There will be several washes, and hopefully they won't lift the paint from each other. :/

This painting will be done entirely in payne gray, chinese white, crimson, and burnish, with some blues and greens added into the white for cool tones.  And a touch of yellow. :)  But the main three colors are dark gray, white, and red.

The reason I'm telling you all this is because I'm really happy I'm finally being patient with my work.  I never used to paint anything that would take more than one night, except for "Snape's Room - youth."  I'm following the rules, more or less, and I'm seeing improvement as a result. 

<3 :)

Tags:

| Back to Top